just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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