The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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