this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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