Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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