Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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