Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
