Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Two words: blizzard sex
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
