haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
