Taylor Swift is so right about you.
this boner is exhausting
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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