I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
