I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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