I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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