Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
