Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
