he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
