So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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