Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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