thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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