People in love make me want to vomit
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
