I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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