don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize