I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I enjoy the company of your penis
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