i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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