its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
