I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
