watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
