Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
