my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
