I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
