Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
