he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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