My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
