so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
