I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
