my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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