Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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