I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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