2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
