We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
