Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
