dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
