dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
