god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
