You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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