Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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