When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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