i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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