my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
