God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
