Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
