Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
