just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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