wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I need to sanitize my soul.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
