Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
a search helicopter?!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
