Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
