i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
