Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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