First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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