the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is wine microwaveable?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
