we have officially lost it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
