theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize