she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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