Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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