Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
