ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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