I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
