It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
