I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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