this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
