Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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