I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
